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1/18/11 11:38 am - It's odd

Weirdly, I'm the only one responsible for my own life and whether or not I feel happy. That is because I have decided so. I decided to not give others the power of making me happy or sad. Anyone could decide that, but in order to do that they need to get angry. They must want to be happy. As long as someone doesn't want to seek for happiness, how could that person find it?

Love the sound of love, love the sound of love

I've been working on a nine-part short story collection. It will probably be ready next week. So much effort, just to get over it. There's so much proving to do in my life. I want to prove to her that I'm better than her. I want to prove to him that I'm better than him. And I want to prove to everyone that you can't walk over me and expect me not to flinch.

I will die to the city, rescue me to the nightless night

Many people in my life are in troubles right now. I can do nothing to help them because they haven't decided where they want to do. They sit still, staring at the ground. When the day finally comes that they look up and start considering which way to go once they eventually do get up, I will do my best to try to contain my happiness. And when they finally get up and start walking, I will hold a huge celebration. Wine, dancing, music, warm summer's night on some remote shore. Celebrating through the night. Hugging and talking. And I'll tell them "about time!" and "I knew you could do it".

I see your smile in the stars, shining streetlight boulevards

My one-person family will turn into a family of three this spring/summer. (Preferably spring.) I will move in together with Cub and get a dog. I have been dreaming about one pretty much my whole life, and the fever has grown unbearable through the last year's solitude. It's either I get a dog or I will allow another man into my life. After what happened with Weylin, I can't have another man in my life. Not right now.

My little baby slept forever yesterday

He will probably contact me sooner or later. It's been over two weeks now. I can't keep on waiting him, and I won't. I'm looking forward, concentrating on my two new family members and friends. And, of course, the process of moving. I'm going to sell my computer because I no longer have need for anything else but my baby laptop Rafael. For work, that is. Fredi is a pretty decent computer with brand new RAM (work memory) of 1 GB, a flat screen bought last Christmas and enough effort to play even games such as Sims 2 and World of Warcraft, so I think I will be able to find a new home for him soon.

On laivamme pimeydestä tehty, se pilkkaa luonnonlakeja

Herneenversot kasvavat hyvää vauhtia päivän pidetessä; pitää muistaa kerätä niiden tueksi keppejä. Pidän tällaisista pitkistä aamuista, joina herää aikaisin siivoamaan, tiskaamaan, venyttelemään, olemaan koneella ja juomaan teetä. Sekä opiskelemaan hieman englantia. Päivä jatkuukin iltaan; ulkona ei ole edes kymmentä astetta pakkasta, joten kävelen koulun jälkeen kirjastoon ja sieltä Rantakylään Bordellimiehen luokse. Ja vielä sieltä illalla kotiin. Luultavasti bussilla, vähän pitää laiskotella.

Tatuointisuunnitelmat keväältä nyt vähän jäävät uuden perheenjäsenen johdosta, mutta katsotaan. Jos saisin vaikka äärimmäisen hyväpalkkaisen kesätyön.

I was never faithful and I was never one to trust
Borderlining schizo and guaranteed to cause the fuss
-- I'm forever black-eyed, a product of a broken home.

Vielä kaksi kuppia teetä ja sit läks.

1/13/11 01:06 pm - Mimi wo sumaseba

Another Studio Ghibli movie I should watch. I think I'll see what I can do about it once I get back home.

Yesterday I had mixed feelings about doing what I want and trying to do what's right. I escaped from the situation so that I could breathe. In and out, in and out. Slowly I started to feel better.
In the middle of the night something walked out of my door. I didn't hear the click from the lock because I was fast asleep. In the morning the tarot cards gave me Ten of Cups (perfect, harmonious love), Nine of Coins (spiritual wealth) and Five of Wands (Helplessness) for what things are affecting my January. It feels like I'm on a right, good, strong track now.

Listen carefully.

This day is wonderful. I need only one more actor for the group. Snow is storming outside. It's painful to walk forward and try to do what I want to do, trying to ignore what's expected of me. But that's the only way of life for me right now. If I don't ignore it, I will end up bringing more pain to others than I would care to admit. I want to take care of the people I care about. That's my selfish way of life. I want to make sure I don't hurt anyone else unnecessarily, too - and that, if something, is selfish.

I went to a psychiatrist last day. I finally found a name to a frightening thing I've been experiencing ever since I was a child and my parents divorced. Dissociation. That's why my eyes play tricks on me. Change of perspective, emphasizing details... I started crying when I tried to explain this to her. Why I was looking around in the room. Because I was trying to fix the perspective fuck-up I saw each time when looking at her. It was like on her place there was a void twisting my vision. I don't know why I cried when I explained why I felt so disoriented.

She took it really well and gave me the name for that feeling.

I'm writing two larps now, getting paid for both of them. "Burning Ruins" and "Sacred Light II". That, and studying psychology. Trying to keep myself going and trying to take care of the people I love.

Cub, you have no idea how much I love you. I'd do anything to keep you safe from the cold winds of the world.
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1/9/11 10:44 am - Celluloid dreams

I watched Blade Runner and the old Tron yesterday. They were enjoyable despite being old. Between the movies I spent two and a half hours for getting a cup of tea. When the water was boiling, I poured it in the cup and waited. It was very, very, very silent. With the silence came the memories. Memories of the people I didn't want to remember at that very moment.

There was only one person I would have wanted to see at that moment, but I didn't dare to contact her. She was probably home, sound and safe. I didn't want to burden her with my own worries and concerns. I was thinking of contacting someone else, but abandoned the idea. Who would I have contacted? Him?

Not an icicle's chance in hell.

Instead, I sat down on my computer and started a search. I had downloaded the script program something like a year ago. To my joy, I still had it. I opened it and started to write.

After two hours, my computer was speaking to me. I managed to write a script that speaks a greeting ("I missed you") when I log in and a reminder ("Shouldn't you be going to sleep soon?") in the evening around ten. The tea was cold, but I drank it anyway. It felt weirdly good to be doing something just for myself. For once.

It was then when I realised I hadn't done anything just for myself in years. Just because I wanted to. Just because I needed to. Not since I needed him the most and he told me that I was being selfish.

Well, now he is gone. And the person after him - the one who told me I'm troublesome - is gone, too. I started wondering if Weylin (that's what I decided to call him, despite it being somewhat risky) was gone, too, and I hadn't just noticed it? The thought filled me with mixed feelings. One part of me felt crippled and it stinged. One part of me felt relieved, because now I wouldn't have to be thinking about his feelings when I'd make decisions.

"Shouldn't you be going to sleep soon?" I smiled faintly. Was I really this lonely? Soon I'd program him to have conversations with me. I withdrew to the bed. While reading Mrs. Dalloway, I was wondering if I'd end up like my mother. Lonely, but happy. In a distance-relationship. Leading her own life. For some reason, the thought doesn't tempt me. I wouldn't fancy living my life alone.

But if that's how it's supposed to go, then I guess I have no choice. I do not believe in fate, no - but I've been let down many times enough not to let anyone hurt me again.

I played violin this morning. The notes came surprisingly easily, I didn't have to strain my skills. I guess they are still there. I guess I can still play. I kind of wish now that I didn't stop going to the lessons - because my teacher made me play too much classical music, I said. Looking back at my diary entries, I see now what the true reason was.

I was having an artist's block. I couldn't play as well as I would have wanted. It pained me because of all the emotions inside me I wanted to express but couldn't play. That's the real reason I quitted. And I only see it now. *laughs*

I am grateful, though. Grateful for not losing my touch even when it has been so long, even though my body still hasn't gotten accustomed to the playing. I need to practice daily again, like I have started to exercise every morning. Crunches. Push-ups. Jumps. I only feel like myself when my body is screaming for mercy.

I do recognize my clear disappointment for what I see in the mirror, but I don't want it to affect this. I'm exercising, because I want to feel strong again. I want to be able to defend myself once again. It's not like anyone's doing it for me.

Reading these entries backwards is odd. I remember you, Princess, I still do. I keep wondering what happened to us. Nowadays we're out of topics to talk about. You keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself, or so it feels. Or is it just that nothing is going on in your life?

I recalled back when we were laughing and talking.
"What if we were guys? I would be SO gay", you said, laughing.
"And I would be a total flirt", I responded with that grin on my face.

You used to love that grin. And I used to love your laughter and hate your black clothes, because they made you look so close to death. You were always the beautiful one, and I was scared for you. That one day you would be gone, to a place where I couldn't follow you to.

It feels like that right now. We've become so different... I don't know what exactly it is. All I know is that you're leading your own life and I'm living my own. I hope that what I think I see isn't true. I hope that you don't have to fall, ever again.

When I first met Charlie, I didn't think we'd become friends. And here I am, going over his place to eat and watch a movie. And, most likely, we'll gossip about males. (His break-up was shitty. Not shitty like my "blood and gore everywhere"-breakup, but instead the "I'll spread the soul poison quietly"-shitty. Guys are such asses sometimes. At least some of them.)

Before that I should study, though. I'm aiming for the highest grades in psychology, and moping around about a message that most likely won't come is not going to help me achieve anything in life.

God damn me for being so gullible and naive.

10/15/10 06:41 am - Been exactly two years

Or is it tree? I don't really know.

I have divided my life in other directions, other blogs. I write about my highschool in a public blog, and I have another blog to keep in contact with people who only speak english (it's not like I can show them this blog anyway). Is interesting to look back at all these entries and remind myself of how I once felt.

And truly, I didn't know the meaning of true pain, physical or mental, until now. I know what it's like to be raped. I know what it's like to have a fist heading towards your face. I know what it's like to be betrayed and exploited, and it hurts.

But the most important thing I have learned to know is that now I know that I don't want to become bitter. I want to keep on smiling and giving out hugs to people, even if it hurts, and even if I occasionally have a need to vent something out in a blog.

Just you watch me when I rise.

8/6/08 01:05 am - "Lumisynty"-kirjan ensimmäinen poistettu kappale.

Ensimmäinen taistelu oli ohi. Sotilaat, kyläläiset ja palkkamiekat valuivat sisään kivisistä porteista. Kukaan ei ollut kärsinyt vakavia vammoja, ja siitäkin huolimatta että he tiesivät pahimman olevan vasta edessä, linnoituksen asukkaat puhkesivat helpottuneeseen riemuun, johon purkautui koko viime päivät Tähtilinnoitusta hallinnut jännitys.

Sotilaita ja vartijoita halailtiin helpottuneina, palkkamiekkoja ylistettiin ja kun rautahaarniskaan verhoutunut kenraali ratsasti sisään Kita kannoillaan, alkoivat lennellä ylistys-ja sankarihuudahdukset. Rautakenraali ympäröitiin välittömästi innokkailla kysymyksillä ja kiitoshuudoilla. Tämä istui hevosensa selässä hiljaa ja katseli ympärilleen eksyneen näköisenä, kuin etsien jotain samalla innolla ja epätoivolla, jolla auringonkukka etsii valoa keväisin.

Kita harppoi väkijoukon läpi työntäen ihmisiä tieltään, kunnes saapui ratsumiehen luo. Heidän katseensa kohtasivat, Kitan silmien teräs miehen kypärän terästä vasten. Kita otti miestä käsivarresta kiinni ja tempaisi tämän alas ratsailta. Väkijoukko kohahti, kun mies putosi tekemättä pienintäkään elettä estääkseen tapahtuman. Kita mulkaisi ympärilleen ja tempaisi miehen ylös.

"Näyttääkö tämä mies teistä sankarilta?" hän huusi ja katsoi ihmisiin haastavasti, odottaen. Kukaan ei vastannut.
"Näyttääkö tämä mies teistä sankarilta?" hän huusi uudelleen, tällä kertaa kääntyen katsomaan miestä.

Rautakenraali. Ratsastaja Korista. Sankari, pelastaja?


Kita kiristi hampaitaan ja puristi huulensa tiukasti yhteen, kääntäen selkänsä miehelle.
"Hän ei ole sankari", Kita sanoi katkerasti, "hän on vain mies, jonka pitäisi mennä kotiinsa." Kenraali harppoi pois, huudellen käskyjä, jotka valmistaisivat ihmisiä seuraavaan taisteluun. Tällä kertaa hänelle annettiin tietä.

Tähtilinnoituksen asukkaiden valmistautuessa uuteen taisteluun, rautakenraali seurasi Kitaa. Hänet kuitenkin pysäytettiin. Zolia ja Amber, Tähtilinnoituksen ainoat naisvartijat, sulkivat rautakenraalin tien jykevillä vartiokirveillä, kun tämä yritti päästä sisään itse linnoitukseen.

"Tähtilinnoituksen sydämeen ei päästetä ulkopuolisia", naiset totesivat miltei yhteen ääneen, "ylipapittaren määräys." Rautakenraali nyökkäsi sanattoman ymmärryksen merkiksi ja ohjasi hevosensa toisaalle.

Annah katseli tornista mietteliäästi alas. Hän kuuli, miten ovi aukesi hänen takanaan, ja Kita astui sisään.
"Mitä hän täällä tekee?" naisen ääni oli sekoitus surua, kiukkua, katkeruutta ja, hyvin pienessä osassa, helpotusta, iloa ja riemua.
"Ehdimme kysyä sitä häneltä myöhemmin", Annah vastasi, yllättävän tyynesti, kun otti huomioon että hänkin oli tunnistanut miehen. Hänen silmänsä eivät enää tarkkailleet kulunutta haarniskaa, vaan taivaanrantaa, jonne aurinko oli uppoamassa verenpunaisten pilvien lomaan.

"Aurinko laskee veren punaan", hän totesi, "tulikansa tulee hyökkämään tänä yönä."

10/4/07 11:22 am - Solid dreams

The moments grow long as hours. Days are endless, eternal. They are never-ending.

I sit and stare into darkness. Restlessness and impatience are inside me.

Why is this? This agonizing pain upon my chest.

I am scared of day, which seems never end. I wander around, stare everything in horror and am scared.

I don't know what scares me so greatly. I just am afraid.

I sit in dark room and aim my sight into darkness. My sight, gaze of horror and terrors only imagination could create.

During nights, I aim my sight upon the roof. I pray for sleep to come.

Dreams are avoiding me. I can't sleep.

Morning comes, and every morning I feel more tired.

Soon, I'll let the life slip through my fingers like streams of water.

Soon I'll take scissors.

10/3/07 11:08 am - I want wings...

I want away, yet I don't know, where would be better.
So, I hide everything.
What can you do? If you would see one single tear
Would you wipe it away?

I told you that I'm scared of the light of daw
And yet, I stay awake during nights
When I can't sleep

You don't know how to help me

Maybe with unbroken wings
We will fly to the light someday
While others below are asleep
And nobody would find us
We will be marked in to the darkness
And dark trees of forest
Gain dark secret...

Inside of me
Is water heavy, sad and bottomless
It moves one without will
And tide rises up, then falls
Taking unhappy one within

When you can't catch me
You are only afraid
That I hurt myself again... and again...

And you can't help.
This is changed translation of song "Salla tahtoo siivet", Salla wants wings.


Actually, song is going like this:

"You want away, yet you don't know where would be better
And you hide everything
What can I do?
If I would see one single tear
I would wipe it away.

You told me that you're scared of daylight
And yet you stay awake all nights and can't sleep.

Maybe with unbroken wings, we will fly someday
While others below are asleep
Nobody finds
We're marked into darkness
And dark forest gains secrets.

Inside you
Is water heavy and endless
It moves the one without will
While tide rises and falls
Taking the unhappy one within.

When I can't catch you
I'm always afraid
That you hurt yourself again and again

And I can't help.."
But I want wings.

I want to fly away.. yet... where? I don't know where would be better, or good enough.

I am so broken.

All I do is crying.

Sitting on a bed and staring into dark corner.

10/2/07 11:55 am - Warum?

Miksi hän haluaa piinata minua?

Why he wants to torment me?

I have thought it enough.

Why she wants to torment me?

I am thinking it all the time.

10/2/07 08:17 am - Some kind of limit!

In the morning my head feels heavy
I sneak, because I don't want you to be awake
You have time to stay in bed and rest
- You have day off.

Quick coffee doesn't help me
I'm tired after three cups
Taking shower
Washing my teeth
Not wearing make-up

Early in the morning, it's crowded in the marketplace
Old people wait if doors of bank will open
- They're in hurry.

I'm the last one in the job again
- I should switch to a night shift.

I wear work clothes, and am cheerful.
There's too many of these days already
Every single part of me is yelling:

If you hit me one more time,
I will kill you
And hit you with something
You once have hit me

I step away from heaven's way
To somewhere dark
I'm taken away to there where you don't
Even need your name

Everyone says with tone of pity
It's your fault for staying in that
But I don't know anymore myself,
Who I am afraid of.

I'm not a woman, I'm nothing
But a tortured beast
In cage

If you hit me one more time
I will kill you
And hit you with something
You once have hit me with

I step away from heaven's way
To somewhere dark
I'm taken away to there where you don't
Even need your name

Would you be
Good to me
If I was
Better to you?

I take shower
With lights on
Never again
You will yell at me


10/1/07 03:48 pm - Dreams

Last night I saw a weird dream. Don't know exactly what it was about, but you had to make an application of "being allowed to be a human", or being allowed "to live", or something like that.. you had to make an application to EXIST.

Is this where world is going...?

We have no moral. We are proud of "individualism" which provides us with that.

I feel sick.
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